Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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