You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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