dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
