You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
