dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize