How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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