in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
