at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
the condom got lost in my hair
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize