I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
