happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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