I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
