guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
