I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
