True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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