I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
