take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
