Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
