This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
