it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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