Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
How external is "for external use only"?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
