If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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