did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Randomize
