You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
