i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Randomize
