Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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