i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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