There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
