You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
