she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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