Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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