My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
