It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
