my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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