i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize