just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
