when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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