He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Randomize
