i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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