i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
The adults are the big ones right?
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