Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
