i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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