I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
