I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
