I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
