Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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