North Korea, Best Korea!
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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