Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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