Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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