Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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