She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
