That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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