I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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