if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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