I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
