Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
