going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
