This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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