u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
